Another Outrage Cycle, Same Clowns

The nation woke up this week to a fresh outrage cycle, indistinguishable in every meaningful respect from last week's, or last year's, or the one from the Bush administration that everyone has agreed to pretend they don't remember. Cable producers reportedly cheered.

Within seventeen minutes of the story breaking, four networks had already booked the same three 'analysts', each of whom had prepared identical monologues in different colored suits. One suit was red. One suit was blue. One suit was, for reasons that remain unclear, mustard.

“This is the most important story of the week,” said an anchor, whose next sentence would be identical seven days later, with only the proper nouns changed.

Politicians, sensing an opening, released statements. The statements said nothing. The statements were widely praised for saying nothing with unusual courage. A committee was announced. The committee will not meet. The committee's non-meeting will be described as a bold procedural victory.

Meanwhile, the public performed its assigned role: surprise. Somewhere in the middle of the country, a man refreshed his phone, gasped audibly, and then continued to be surprised for the rest of the news cycle, as instructed.

By Friday, the story will be replaced by a new story that is functionally the same story with a fresh coat of paint. Ratings will hold. Democracy will hold. Everyone will hold, mostly by pretending.