A Very Serious Guide to Taking Nothing Seriously

Step one: assume every 'breaking' banner is a marketing decision. Not because it isn't news — sometimes it is — but because assuming otherwise has aged poorly on approximately every prior occasion.

Step two: if a headline contains the word 'slams', the story is not important. 'Slams' is not a verb humans do; it is a verb press releases do.

“I take this very seriously,” a politician will always say about the thing he is least likely to actually do anything about. Take note.

Step three: watch two networks with opposing coverage of the same event. Notice how, in a perfectly rational world, only one of them can be right. Notice how neither of them is. Feel your worldview stabilize by collapsing.

Step four: reread step three. Step five: touch grass. Grass, as of press time, does not have a comments section.